Forced To Joust

‘New Word’ has been out for about a week, and I wanted to share some thoughts. Thanks to everyone who shared this release with me. Through listening, comments, a simple like, you not only further the reach of this song, but also ignite my own enthusiasm and future momentum. 

I removed myself from music last year due to some personal matters I needed to deal with, mostly my own mental health. I couldn’t think about playing music, or really do anything familiar to me for quite some time. I went through a period of significant self-loathing. Anything that reminded me of myself felt trite and immature. My dreams, my aspirations, ideas; all felt somehow wrong, and I went through significant efforts to eradicate every trace of my former self. I gave away my clothes, shaved my head, took a motorcycle class, and began a series of unlinked sporadic hobbies that “felt” right. It was a strange time. It was difficult to do familiar things for a long time, because they made me feel like a failure. 

Before too long, I had convinced myself that I was different, and I had changed. I coined the phrase “Andrew 2.0” to differentiate between old me, and the new me. I would purposely avoid activities that would be associated with the old me, deeming them the recipe for future destruction. 

I’ve always been an avid swimmer, ever since I was a little kid. I loved the sport and had been swimming continuously for the last 27 years of my life. Even so, I found myself avoiding swimming altogether, like some lifesucking force that would lead Andrew 2.0 to yet another dead end. 

By some “stroke” of fate, one day, early in the spring, still lost in a wave of self improvement, an old friend and swimming partner called me, and asked me if I’d help him by going for an ocean swim with him. He was training for a significant marathon swim, and as a gesture of good-will, I agreed to go with him. 

As we jumped in the ocean, early in June, the water was frigid. My body moved awkwardly, and I found it almost unbearable. I had previously conditioned myself for swims like this, but after months of avoidance, it felt completely new again. Despite this, I decided to swallow the pain and endure it. 

As we started to swim, the cold water began to work on me. Testing my resolve. My head felt like a snowcone, and my body moved sporadically in the cold. I asked myself, “Why am I doing this?” and “Why did I ever do this?”

But before too long, the panic began to fade when my mind realized the cold wasn’t going anywhere, and my mind adjusted the volume accordingly. It began to feel invigorating, like some kind of a fight I would inevitably win. I began to forget about all the things I was worried about on land. All the self doubt and hate I spoon fed myself for months, all gone. There was nothing to focus on but the next stroke. 

We swam for about an hour, and when I got out, I realized something spectacular. That wasn’t Andrew 2.0. That was good old fashioned Andrew 1.0. I had loved that before, and I still love it now. Nothing had changed. I hadn’t changed. All those familiar things I used to love, I still loved. These were aspects of myself that were so integrated into who I am today. It was that very familiarity made me feel more like myself than I had in months of trying to become Andrew 2.0. 

So, is that what “New Word” is about? Yes and no. What I can say is that although that song was written before I had this experience, the song's meaning has changed along the way. I feel like a good song has that power. So to me, it’s a good song. 

But outside of that, the insight I would like to share—as nothing more than a fellow human being experiencing this life for the first time, just like you—is this: you can grow. You can integrate. You can even learn new things. However, you can’t change who you are, and you shouldn’t try to. 

Sometimes, we’re just trying to get back to a previous version of ourselves that hasn’t been corrupted by this world, and by that definition, I believe everyone under the right circumstances has good in them. If you’re looking for it for yourself, I suggest not trying too hard to find it. It’s probably easier than you think.

-Andrew